Destination: Waco!

Hello!  Thank you for taking the time to read my story!  It’s long and has taken me several days, but I felt compelled to write for the following reasons:

• I know our decision to stay in Waco will be painful and confusing for many. We want you to understand why we’re staying and how we made this decision.
• It’s an incredible story! I’m still amazed, and I’m the one that experienced it!
• So many of us don’t understand how God speaks, and how to really “hear” God. This year we’ve received incredible direction from the Lord, and we want you to see what it can look like. There’s no formula here, but be assured that God will answer when you call!
• You may question the goodness of God, or possibly even the existence of God. One of the many ways He reveals himself is through the testimony of his people, so we want to offer that to you.
• We want you to be encouraged and inspired by the love of Jesus!

In a nutshell, God completely turned my life upside down in less than a week’s time.  Let me break down those days for you:

Monday, February 2 – I attended my Precepts Bible study at Highland Baptist Church.  We’ve been studying Amos, and it’s been awesome.  I was incredibly distracted and anxious, and spent a good portion of the time reorganizing my planner and calendar.  Our teacher Julie commented that she’d been convicted over the past week to ASK GOD about everything in her life, both big and small.  God cares!  And he gives direction to those that ask.  I stayed after the study to talk with my friend Mary Ann, and ended up chatting for a while with Julie, Mary Ann, and another lady in the class named Kim.  I told them that I often don’t ask God because I’m afraid he won’t answer.  Julie quoted scriptures like the ones below and encouraged me that when I pray, God hears and answers me.  He WILL speak to me – the Bible says so.  To fear that he’ll leave me in the dark is unbiblical.

• John 10:14; John 10:27-28 I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me…  My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.
• 1 John 5:14 This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.
• 1 Peter 3:12 For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer…

So why would I question that God would answer my prayers and talk to me?  I shared with them the story of this past year…

We live in Waco, TX and we’ve been here for almost 3 years.  Before that we toured Lubbock and El Paso, making the total just over 6 years in Texas.  We’d been looking forward to heading back to Michigan in the summer of 2009.

We go to Antioch Community Church.  We love it there!  A year ago, in February of 2008, I was at their annual missions conference called World Mandate.  It was awesome.  As I worshipped the Lord I heard Him ask me to be willing to stay in Waco.  Did I audibly hear him?  No, but out of the blue I was completely overcome with the sense that we should stay, and it felt final.  I sat down, put my head in my hands, and started to sob.  I argued with God in my mind, but there was a sense of finality.  Has that ever happened to you?  It was intense, and I hadn’t heard God like that in a long time.  On the way home I asked Chase if God has said anything to him, and he hadn’t heard anything specific like that about Waco.  But now it was on the table.

Nothing more happened for a while, and we started making plans for life after residency.  We were heading to Michigan!  I was excited to finally return home to my family.  In late summer of last year I was sitting in church thinking about the relationships I have here in Waco, and the people in my life that don’t know Jesus.  I was thinking over how to share with them, and how I don’t feel capable, but how I’ve learned so much at Antioch and have gone for knowing a lot about Jesus to actually knowing Jesus.  I’ve been transformed during my time here, and I’m learning how to help others to do the same.

We’d also been talking with an awesome couple who is headed to Asia, and we were seeking the Lord in whether or not He’d have us join them there in a few years.  If so, it would be a good idea to go through training here with our church, just as they did, and be set from Antioch.  All of a sudden I experienced the same thing that had happened during World Mandate – God said I should stay in Waco.  I cried for the rest of the service (and it had just started!) as I thought about all that meant.  It was still not at ALL what I wanted.  After the service I talked with one of our pastors and asked him if he would pray for me and see if God had anything more to say to me.  As he prayed, he had the recurring thought that it’s hard for God to drive a parked car.  He encouraged me to follow God’s leading, and said that, as I followed things, would become more clear.

Fast forward to the fall as we’re planning Chase’s job interviews… did we interview in Waco?  Nope!  I wasn’t willing.  We found a few great opportunities in Michigan, all within a few hours of my family, and I was excited!  In October we met a group of wonderful people and made plans to join their practice.  Life was good, and there were good times ahead.  AT LAST our crazy residency life would be over and a normal life could begin.

In early November that all changed when I lost feeling in my left arm and underwent tests to rule out scary things like stroke, MS, or brain tumors.  An MRI of my head revealed a mass in the lower left side of my skull.  There are not words to explain the fear and horror that washes over you when you think you could be dying!  Follow up tests showed that I also had a cyst on my thyroid and a bulging disk in neck (the disk was likely the cause of the numbness).  I was in a dark place.  Chase was on a rotation where he was gone a lot, and I felt very alone.  By God’s grace I was still seeking the Lord and was giving my fears to Jesus.  I experienced His comfort in the face of huge unknowns, but still felt on the verge of depression.  Unfortunately the job search doesn’t end just because you might be dying!  We still needed to juggle my health concerns and Chase’s crazy schedule with trying to decide where to go, and our goal was to sign a contract by December.

Our pastors encourage us to journal for 30 days when we’re seeking the Lord’s guidance in a big decision – it allows you time to process thoughts and discern all that Jesus is saying.  Our plan was to journal on our own through the month of November and share the results at the end of the 30-day period.  We were trying to decide between Waco and two locations in Michigan.  Chase had still not interviewed in Texas, but God was persistent and we knew there was a lot we’d be losing if we left, so we needed to keep it in the loop.

Our friends were praying for us during that time, asking God to show us His plans for us.  My friend Kathy approached me in church and said God had given her a vision.  This is what she wrote in her journal:

You were an eagle, flying toward a storm, and as you approached the outskirts of the storm, and it started to get rough and tough to fly, the eagle turned back.  The Lord said…”I would have given you what it takes to get through that storm. Trust me; I will give you what it takes.”
I was reminded of Isaiah 40:31…Wait on me. You will run and not grow weary.

As we thought about its meaning, I figured maybe God was saying that he would be with me in the midst of my health concerns, but Chase pointed out that it didn’t make sense that way because I can’t choose whether or not to go through that storm.  It was more likely related to our decision to say in Waco or leave.  I was encouraged that God would speak again so clearly… but unhappy that it pointed toward Waco.  The vision didn’t make me WANT to stay at all.

Other women here were faithful to talk straight with me about my own agendas.  They all pointed out that, although I think Michigan would be more restful and happy, only God really knew what awaited us there.  We’d be moving to a new city and would need to make new friends.  That could take years!  God knew what I needed, and I should trust him to lead me to the best place for us.  Although it was scary, it might be the first time that I truly trusted the Lord with my heart!  Who knows what he’d have for me if I really said YES to him?

So okay, I know what you’re all thinking – God told you something CLEARLY, and not only once but SEVERAL times!, and you still didn’t just decide to stay in Waco?  What’s wrong with you?  Well, let me make myself look even worse.

We didn’t complete the 30-day journaling process.  I fell apart.  Anytime I felt that Waco was the right choice I would lose it.  First the MRI… then the CT scan… each time the news got worse… Moving to Michigan was all I could think about.  What if I needed surgery?  What if I died?  What would happen to my kids?  We needed help!  I needed my family!  It was really tough.  So, about a week into our journaling we shared our thoughts.  The benefits of Waco were clear, but I couldn’t handle it.  We made plans to revisit our favorite location in Michigan, and reconnected with them over New Years.  Great folks!  Good times ahead.

The month of January was filled with hope.  My test results indicated that none of my lumps and bumps were life-threatening, and we’ll do some follow-up tests in the spring to be sure.  I started packing and looking at homes online.  We had a contract in our hands, and were almost ready to sign it.  Finally!  After 6 years of marriage we would have time, family, and money!

Two weeks ago was World Mandate 2009, and wouldn’t you know it… God spoke again…

Now let’s go back to my Bible study last Monday.  I shared this story with them and explained how confused I was.  God had told me to stay in Waco, but hadn’t told Chase the same thing (well, at least I didn’t think he had).  What did that mean?  Why wouldn’t he say the same thing to both of us?  And now we had plans and a contract and we’d told everyone we were coming back to Michigan… what in the world were we supposed to do?  And I put my head and my hands and sobbed because I knew the answer.

On the way home I called Chase and asked him if he’d heard God say that he wanted us to move to Michigan.  I honestly couldn’t remember how things had gone down in the fall, and just wanted to be sure.  He was really irritated with me and said we could talk later that night.  Monday evening he shared that he HAD begun to see that we should stay, but when we talked I was a basket case and he decided to head to Michigan because it seemed like the best thing for our family and my sanity.

I don’t think I can effectively describe the horror of that moment.  It was like I was watching the whole thing unfold on a movie screen.  OH NO.  OH MY.  What in the world do we do now?  But we’ve committed!  The contract is being reviewed by a lawyer!  It has to be signed in 10 days!  Now is NOT the time to change our minds!  But at the same time, God never said to move to Michigan.  Could we really go through with it?

Tuesday was a new day, filled with new challenges.  Chase met with his friend Aaron, and Aaron suggested that we get some folks together and wait on the Lord as a group.  He called it a “Discernment Meeting.”  We made plans to meet on Friday evening.

I must have been stressed because my heart randomly started racing with a pulse over 150, and after 2 hours of that I headed to the clinic.  I spent a good portion of the day at the doctor’s office.

I felt incredibly awkward around Chase – you know that awful feeling after a huge fight with your spouse?  This was about as bad as it had been with us.  We had plans to go to a benefit dinner for Mission Waco that night, so I dropped the kiddos off and my friend Wendy (Aaron’s wife) drove with me to dinner (the guys met us there).  I shared my last 24 hours with her and we talked through it all.  She encouraged me to fast the rest of the week as I sought the Lord and prepared for the Discernment Meeting.  That night at the dinner we learned more about Mission Waco, a local organization that does amazing things for Waco’s indigent population, and the director spoke on God’s heart for the poor and how we should respond. I cried through most of it.  Just a side note for those that may not know or just not remember…

Chase and I met in 1998 in Chicago on an inner-city mission project.  It was over our Spring Break.  He came up from Texas with Rice University, and I had joined a group from the University of Michigan.  It was totally random and awesome that we met, and we had a great time together that week as we fed the homeless, visited shelters, and worked in after-school programs.  Ever since then, we’ve known that God has called us to serve the poor together – it’s part of our marriage vision statement, if there is such a thing.  Add to the mix our love of diversity, and you know what gets us excited.  To date, all of our major decisions have been made with this in mind.  In med school we moved to El Paso, TX to experience the Hispanic culture and work among the poor, and for residency we chose this program because the majority of his patients would be receiving Medicaid/Medicare.  Both decisions were filled with both challenges and great rewards.

SO it was exciting to hear of all the awesome things Mission Waco was doing here.  I was inspired.  We didn’t sell all of our possessions, but we were certainly convicted!

Wednesday deepened the battle for me.  All that night Evie had been throwing up, so neither of us got much sleep.  I also started my fast, which is far from my favorite thing to do!  I felt terrible.  It’s times like those when I REALLY want to run home and be with my family, so I knew the attack on me wasn’t random.  I did my best to wait on the Lord and seek His strength.  That night Chase and I had another massive argument, but in the middle of fighting I realized that it wasn’t the Waco/Michigan decision that was most important to me.  Somewhere in there I’d seen that all I really wanted was to hear God’s voice.  The greatest thing was for Him to speak to me.  I could do anything and face anything if He was talking to me!  I mean, come on – life is okay, and sometimes really great, but GOD?  Nothing can ever compare to real friendship with Jesus.  I’ve known people that really have it, and I know I have a long way to go.  It’s always baffled me because, seriously, how can you talk to someone you can’t see?  And how can you listen to someone you can’t hear?  And how can you be real friends with someone like that?  I KNOW God is real, and that Jesus is the one true hope of the world, but actually KNOWING Him is another matter altogether and I have a long way to go.  But  oh man, if He would really talk to ME… little old me who’s lost and confused and always trying to get things together but never really succeeding… if He would answer it would change everything.  And to be honest, only in writing all of this down have I seen how much He WAS talking to me.  Everything took place over such a long period of time, and there were many hard days mixed in… I am quick to forget.  But I grew in anticipation of what would happen on Friday.

Thursday was my birthday!  Happy 32^nd, Jenny.  Evie was still puking on me.  That’s a GREAT way to spend your birthday!  Chase brought me roses, two close friends sent flowers, and I received a ton of phone calls.  I felt loved.  Chase and I stayed in that night and were able to talk more about how God was leading each of us.  We were both feeling like Waco was inevitable, and were mourning all we would lose.  He too has family in Michigan and was looking forward to being near them.  We were to the place where both of us WANTED to be in Michigan, but at the same time were both feeling we should stay here.  That day I talked with my friend Kathy again, and God had given her the following scripture for me:

Isaiah 42:3 A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.

God told her that He knew I was tired and weary after residency, and He would not do anything that would destroy me.  What He had was life and not death, good and not evil.

And Friday!  Our big day!  I was expecting great things.  I was hungry, Evie was still sick, and I was overwhelmed with life in the present.  Our Discernment Meeting was held at our home, and three couples came to seek God with us.  Every time someone came through the door my eyes filled with tears – we were loved.  These folks gave up their Friday evenings to help us.  I was greatly encouraged before we even got started.  Basically, everyone asked us direct questions and we answered them.  There was no discussion about our answers.  Some of their questions were incredibly revealing, such as:

• What do you feel God has called you to as a couple? (The poor.)
• What do you plan to do for the poor? (NO ANSWER. I had no idea! Wasn’t really trained! Was a bit intimidated! Wow, clearly not ready to do much of anything.)
• Which location is most in line with God’s calling? (Waco – the Michigan community was 95% middle class white, a fact that had always bothered us)
• Is God finished with you here in Waco?  Do you feel released to leave? Have you learned all you can here? (Not even close – we’ve done nothing but residency and have barely even scratched the surface! This is the first time we’ve been minimally involved with our church, and this is the most incredible church we’ve been part of to date)
• What are you afraid of? (not even going to go there!)

After about an hour and a half of questions and answers, we all sat in silence before God and asked him to speak to us.  These were the responses:

• Natalie saw a hummingbird – to us it looks like it’s working so hard, but it’s simply doing what God created it to do
• Craig started to hear the theme song to The Brady Bunch as soon as he closed his eyes! As he thought about the lyrics, God showed him that
  • “they knew it was much more than a hunch” – when Chase and I met it was under unique circumstances, and our hearts for the underserved were revealed. We need to stay true to that.
  • “that this group might somehow form a family” – God will provide us with family no matter where we are, whether it be our actual family or the body of Christ.
• Nathan felt strongly that we would soon have complete peace about the decision.
• Christine was thinking of John 21:15 when Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Do you truly love me more than these?” “Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”
• Christine was also given the following scripture verse:
  • Ecclesiastes 11:1 Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again.
• Wendy had two verses, and when she couldn’t remember where they were, God gave her the references!
  • For Jenny – Luke 11:11-13 Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!
    • The Father won’t leave you hanging or do you wrong
  • For Chase – Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
    • Don’t be discouraged; he will give you rest.
• Chase heard “Be still and know that I am God.” That’s a portion of the following verse:
  • Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.

As for me… I sat in silence and tried to listen.  It usually feels so awkward for me.  What am I listening for?  I believe God will speak… but then I feel silly and start thinking about other things without realizing it… and then apologize and try to listen again… I thought about all we’d discussed, and asked God to just tell me what to do.  I would listen, and I would obey.  Please guide me.  All of a sudden, in my mind I saw a scene from the movie Most and I started to cry.  If you haven’t seen this movie, you can see a preview here: -http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRLRSXd4fzA

It changed my life when I saw it the first time, and God was using it to change my life again.  Did you watch it?  Please stop and check it out before finishing this letter!  Everything will make much more sense.

God was calling me to make a sacrifice – to BE a sacrifice.  But is that biblical?  Did I make that up myself, or was that from God?  Then this scripture came to my mind:

Romans 12:1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God-this is your spiritual act of worship.

I WAS called to offer myself to God as a sacrifice.  And of course it’s Biblical – Jesus offered himself as a sacrifice for us all!  I felt God say that, if I would lay my life down and give him what was most precious to me (my family), that he would use me to save the lives of many.  Jesus died on the cross to save the world!  And just as Jesus was raised from the dead and conquered sin and death, God would raise me to new life in him.

I sat and wiped tears from my eyes, both thankful that God spoke so clearly to me, and yet sad because my road was clear.

Saturday Chase and I continued to discuss everything that had happened, both laughing about the Brady Bunch and contemplating how hard it would be to tell everyone in Michigan that we weren’t coming.  We were pretty sure that we needed to stay here… but wanted just a bit more confirmation.  In our grief we just couldn’t quite give up on Michigan.

Sunday morning I woke up early and prayed that God would confirm to us His will.  He brought me back to the word from my pastor months ago – it’s hard for God to drive a parked car. God explained to me that our car is currently on His road – the road He called us to when we were married – and we are living in diversity (black neighbors on the left and Mexican neighbors on the right!) and Chase is serving Waco’s poor population at work.  If we moved to our prospective Michigan community with little diversity or poverty, we would be parking our car.  Months later it made sense!  I smiled inside at God’s timing.

Over the course of the weekend, and especially Sunday morning, Chase and I both sensed God leading us to start a church plant in Detroit, MI!  Did you catch that?  SEPARATELY Chase and I were led to the same goal, and it’s a big and awesome one!  All of a sudden I was EXCITED and we were filled with vision.  Things began to make sense and the details flowed freely.  While in Waco we can be trained in church planting and discipleship, form a team, work with Mission Waco and learn from the best about how to reach the poor… endless possibilities!  Chase started thinking about how he could use medicine to speak in the public schools, and how my ESL training could be put to work once again… Within a short time I went from mourning to rejoicing!  God had changed my heart when He finally answered our prayers for direction – we’d been praying for years on what to do after residency and with the rest of our lives.   Sunday morning we talked with our Pastor and shared our interest in Detroit.  Sunday evening we stood in the kitchen talking, honestly in awe of how many details God had provided – we had received more in 6 days than we had in the previous six years of marriage!

Sunday evening we shared with our church life group that we would be staying.  When I told my friend Kathy of our decision, she sent me this message via email:

So sorry I didn’t make it that night [the Discernment Meeting].  As I was putting the kids down, I didn’t know what you guys had decided but I felt 2 things…one was He said to “Value this place”… didn’t know which place that was… and then I saw a picture of you and Chase under a waterfall – you got the water splashed on your face and at first your facial expression was not very pleased, kind of spluttering like… and then you began to enjoy it, and then you started dancing in the water and hooting and hollering like a mad woman… saying “Chase, He loves us…He really loves us!”

And He really does love you.  Your waterfall of blessing is here in Waco. I can’t wait to see what He has in store for you here because He had to move heaven and earth to get you stay here, girl.

So there it is.  How long will we be in Waco?  I won’t even pretend to know what all God has planned for us here.  Probably not forever, but likely for a few more years.  What I do know is that every good and perfect gift is from above, and God’s gift of direction and leading for my family is one of the greatest gifts I’ve received from Him yet.  Hearing His voice and receiving His love will never be anything but good, perfect, and absolutely life-changing.  I am changed, and I am excited.  We will start on the road toward planting a church in Detroit, and God may redirect us along the way.  We’ll keep you posted on that journey.  In the end, the journey is what God cares most about!

Through this process I’ve learned so much about the Lord, and I know I’ll continue to see more as His plans for us come to fruition.  Here are a few thoughts:

• God is gentle. He could have forced my hand in this, but He allowed me to go through the journey and slowly learn to trust him.
• God is patient. It was over a year from the first time He spoke to me to the point when I was finally willing to obey!
• God is trustworthy. Asking me to stay in Waco seemed cruel and horrible, but as soon as I said YES the big plan began to unfold and we were blown away by the details He revealed – details we’d been praying over for years! And His is plan is awesome – so much better than what we would have created on our own.
• God is good. Sure I’ve known it, but now I KNOW it. He has refreshed my marriage. He has given us a hope and a purpose. He has revealed His heart and allowed me to hear His voice. He has provided us with friends, mentors, and partners.
• God loves the world. God cares not only about ME, but about YOU. God changed our path so that He could reveal His love to others.

If you are in Michigan, know that I love you, I miss you, and I’m in tears as I type.  I’m trusting you into the hands of Jesus; you are my sacrifice.  Please pray with me that He will prepare me for the train!

If you know Jesus, I pray that you will ask him for a train of your own.  There is nothing special about me!  He wants to do amazing things in your life as well, but you have to ask.

And if you don’t know Jesus, you are missing out on an incredible journey – one that starts immediately and ends with everlasting life in the presence of God!  If you’ve read this and have questions, please give me a call.  There is nothing in this world that will ever compare to the love Jesus offers you, and there is nothing I want more than for you to experience it for yourself.  I’d love to hear from you!  254-733-4442

May God bless you!  We love you!

Chase, Jenny, Anna, & Evie